Chris Quimby, CPC - Certified Public Comedian

Episode 51 (01.21.09): Ordering a Subway Sandwich

2009-01-21T20:19:00.001-08:00

Episode 50 (01.19.09): Inauguration Day

2009-01-21T20:18:00.000-08:00

Episode 49 (01.18.09): Chris's New Haircut

2009-01-18T17:31:00.001-08:00

Episode 48 (01.13.09): Dairy Queen

2009-01-18T17:30:00.001-08:00

Episode 47 (01.12.09): Communing with Nature

2009-01-18T17:29:00.002-08:00

Episode 46 (01.10.09): Dating Advice with TT & JJCQ

2009-01-18T17:29:00.001-08:00

Episode 45 (01.09.09): Sad Man

2009-01-18T17:27:00.001-08:00

Episode 44 (01.04.08): Interview with Vanilla Ice

2009-01-18T17:26:00.001-08:00

Episode 43 (01.03.08): Chris Quimby: Flame Retard

2009-01-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

Episode 42 (01.01.09): Freestyle Rap with JJCQ

2009-01-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

Episode 41 (12.30.08): Special Guest

2009-01-18T17:22:00.002-08:00

Episode 40 (12.29.08): Car Problems

2009-01-18T17:22:00.001-08:00

Episode 39 (12.26.08): iPod Touch

2009-01-18T17:05:00.001-08:00

Episode 38 (12.23.08): Sailing with JJCQ

2009-01-18T17:04:00.001-08:00

Episode 37 (12.21.08): Making it Professionalish

2009-01-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

Episode 36 (12.15.08): Dating with Jean Jacket Chris Quimby

2009-01-18T17:01:00.000-08:00

Episode 35 (12.14.08): Introducing Jean Jacket Chris Quimby

2008-12-14T18:15:00.000-08:00

Episode 34 (12.13.08): Topics are Hard

2008-12-13T18:13:00.000-08:00

Episode 33 (12.12.08): Apples vs. Bananas

2008-12-12T07:52:00.000-08:00

Episode 32 (12.10.08): Sampling the Fruitcake

2008-12-11T18:06:00.000-08:00

Episode 31 (12.10.08): Use the Force

2008-12-10T20:10:00.000-08:00

Episode 30 (12.08.08): Smells Like Teen Spirit

2008-12-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

Episode 29 (12.06.08): Christian Gets a Haircut

2008-12-10T20:08:00.000-08:00

Episode 28 (12.04.08): Comedy is Hard

2008-12-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

Episode 27 (12.03.08): Ham Argument

2008-12-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

Episode 26 (12.02.08): Sitting on the Floor

2008-12-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

Episode 25 (12.01.08): Playing Garbage with Jordan

2008-12-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

Episode 24 (11.30.08): Forbidden Love

2008-12-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

Episode 23C: (11.29.08): Raspberry Cherry Pie (3 of 3)

2008-12-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

Episode 23B: (11.29.08): Raspberry Cherry Pie (2 of 3)

2008-12-10T19:57:00.000-08:00

Episode 23A: (11.29.08): Raspberry Cherry Pie (1 of 3)

2008-12-10T19:56:00.000-08:00

Episode 22 (11.28.08): I Like Good Smells

2008-12-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

Episode 19 (11.26.08): John Tesh is Captain Obvious

2008-12-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

Episode 18 (11.26.08): I Hit a Turkey

2008-12-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

Episode 17 (11.25.08): I Love Hot Moms

2008-12-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

Episode 16 (11.24.08): I See Spots

2008-12-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

Episode 15 (11.23.08): Basketball Day

2008-12-10T19:23:00.000-08:00

Episode 14 (11.22.08): The Door is on the House

2008-12-10T19:22:00.000-08:00

Episode 13: Breakfast in the Kitchen

2008-12-10T19:20:00.000-08:00

Episode 12: Under the Influence

2008-11-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

In Episode 12, I introduce my first guest star ever, my friend, coworker and comedy pal, Josh Alves, of Tastes Like Chicken fame. www.joshalves.com

Episode 11: Sneaking at Work

2008-11-20T19:40:00.001-08:00

I recorded this pointless vidcast at work.

Episode 10: Look What I Bought

2008-11-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

I am so happy about what will be in my digestive system soon.

Episode 9: Smooth or Chunky?

2008-11-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

I address the great national debate: smooth or chunky?

Episode 8: Driving to Work

2008-11-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

Yes. I know.

What's the point in doing this?

I think it's fun. I am weird.

I am truly weird.

Episode 7: Bad Customer Service

2008-11-20T18:50:00.000-08:00

Here's my rant on a recent episode of horrible customer service.

Episode 6: News for November 13, 2008

2008-11-20T18:49:00.000-08:00

Here are the local stories.

Episode 5: Extra Mouths

2008-11-12T16:59:00.000-08:00

Episode 4: Happy Birthday, Heather!

2008-11-11T13:27:00.000-08:00

Episode 3: Chimney Pond

2008-11-10T06:05:00.000-08:00

Episode 2: Running Education

2008-11-09T18:06:00.000-08:00

Poop is the Negative Aspect of Kittens

2008-10-17T04:33:00.000-07:00

My kids always bug me to adopt animals. No amount would ever be enough.

The most recent discussion involved a kitten. A said no, because I'm trying to simplify my life, and I've never looked at kitten acquisition as a way to streamline my daily activities.

I finally told my children they could have one if they took total responsibility, including paying for the feline birth control.

They recently received some money for working the potato harvest last month, and agreed to my offer. My son called the vet to get the price for the operation, and the kids chose to get a male kitten after learning it is cheaper financially for a male cat to have sex without consequences.

I was impressed tonight after the cute, little kitten took a sinfully odoriferous dump behind our entertainment center - not with the poop, but with my kids' willingness to dispose of it.

My daughter was the leader, pressing turdward with plastic grocery bag in hand while my son hung behind with pages from the Bangor Daily News.

Who says the newspaper industry is dying?

I'm not a big fan of crap, but its presence presented an opportunity for my kids to prove to me they were ready to love that kitten with an act that went way beyond merely patting it on the head.

And, I must say, the solution of that particular poop quandary made me a rather proud father.

New Word

2008-06-06T06:23:00.000-07:00

Here's your word of the day, which is actually two words. Maybe rather than criticize the fact that my Word of the Day is two words, you could just be thankful that you got two words for the price of one.

It's another term for constipation. I call it EXCREMENTAL RETARDATION.

You can use it is you like, as long as every time you do you ask someone to visit and chrisQuimby.com.

Numeral Memory

2008-04-10T12:57:00.001-07:00

I have a really hard time remembering people's names, but I'm really good with numbers.

I'd probably be a hit in prison, and not just because of my pretty, blue eyes.

Bad Memory

2008-03-24T16:07:00.001-07:00

I have a bad memory, but I don't forget everything.

I can usually remember a few letters in some of the sentences my wife tells me.

What I see in my mind looks like the game wall in Wheel of Fortune after everybody has had one turn, but I never guess the puzzle right.

And, just like on TV, it is followed by jeopardy.

Disease Prevention

2008-03-04T02:51:00.000-08:00

Choose foods that are low in cholesterol.

Doctors have almost proven that an increase in a reduction of cholesterol or other foods with ingredients with long names may lead to a reduce in many diseases that have long names.

Also, eating foods with short names will give you diseases with short names.

When it comes right down to it, you need to decide which types of diseases you would like to contract, then determine a plan for how you will make this happen.

And don't forget acronyms, either. Many people can get STDs from eating PB&J.

Don't be another statistic.

Amish Batteries

2008-03-03T17:13:00.001-08:00

I wonder if Amish people sometimes use batteries. I don't think they're supposed to.

Maybe sometimes they sneak them. Perhaps they have a small stash somewhere that their wife doesn't know about.

When she leaves, they probably take them out. Unfortunately, they usually have nothing to plug them into (being Amish) and have to be creative.

I suppose they likely could push a AA-sized battery into the side of an open banana. Or maybe they could stick one through a marshmallow. I don't even know if Amish people eat marshmallows. It doesn't sound sinful to me. How can something so squishy be sinful?

It's not crazy to think they might walk around the house just sucking on a battery. Not my idea of fun, but who am I to force my beliefs on someone else?

Today's Prayer

2008-03-01T09:58:00.001-08:00

Lord, please give me patience.

Today would be nice.

Disobedience

2008-03-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

My son has been disobedient right from the beginning.

He was born at 11:35 at night.

3 hours past his bedtime.

Frightened Birds and Hot Chicks

2008-02-27T06:40:00.000-08:00

A crow flew away when I walked near it today. I'm so glad birds are afraid of people.

It's something we take for granted. Imagine if birds flocked around us as soon as we went outside, flying back and forth and trying to land on us like insects do.

Bug dope would not help. Instead, we would each need to carry around a natural predator of birds. A snake, for example.

Which is probably some ladies choose to place a snake around their neck in photo shoots. Maybe it's sexy, but also practical in the event birds stop being afraid of people.

Or maybe those chicks feel they're so hot that even birds would be attracted to them, so they feel they must take the proper precautions.

King-Size Bed

2008-02-25T11:54:00.000-08:00

I'd like to get a King-Size bed, but I live in a trailer.

I don't think your bed's square footage should be 30% of your home's.

Where's Waldo

2008-02-25T11:17:00.000-08:00

A few days ago my son was in Waldo, ME, which is in Waldo County. He was reading a Where's Waldo book.

Shouldn't he get some kind of certificate of something?

Discipline

2008-02-18T04:24:00.000-08:00

Raising children is not an easy task.

When my kids were younger, we tried many types of punishment with varying degrees of success.

Then we read a book called, Dare to Discipline.

Now, when they disobey, we just hit them with the book.

Pretty Stamps

2008-02-01T18:24:00.000-08:00

Hey, guess what People at the Post Office?

I just want some stamps. I don't care what pictures they have on them.

In fact, please give me the ugliest ones you've got, so they can reflect how I feel about paying these bills!

How about any of overweight women in sweatpants bending over to pick up a nickel? That would be just super.

Paying bills is not a fashion show.

Roger Clemens

2008-01-17T07:39:00.000-08:00

Roger Clemens said he was not injected with steroids or HGH.

He claims it was B-12 and a painkiller.

Also that time that he threw the bat at Mike Piazza?

It was not a bat.

It was a peppermint stick.

Salt, Pepper and Company Efficiency

2008-01-16T08:40:00.001-08:00

At Subway, when you request salt and pepper on your sandwich, they shake it out of a cup that contains both.

It is this kind of revolutionary thinking that will increase efficiency of American businesses and restore this country to economic prominence.

The minds at Subway have laughed in the face of obvious risk with this move. Specifically, it is mathematically possible that a shake of said cup would yeild all salt or all pepper. Even more likely is the possibility of applying an undesirable salt to pepper ratio.

In most cases, the customer would likely not notice. However, if the wrong person is victimized, the results could put the company in a difficult position.

The prospective plaintiff would be well within their rights to file a lawsuit claiming theft by deception.

Subway executives and their loyal army of Sandwich Artists have chosen to accept this risk.

The success or failure of this method of spice distribution will go a long way towards determining which other creative food element distribution models Subway might explore.

For example, my children each order a ham and cheese sub with mustard and mayonnaise at the popular sandwich shop.

Might Subway choose someday to offer a mix of the two condiments that could be squirted on the sub at the same time? Perhaps a new condiment marketed as Mayotard?

Exciting possibilities such as this cause as to look expectantly into the future as America looks to reclaim worldwide respect for its sandwich ingenuity in a world that so desperately needs it.

Defining Racism

2008-01-11T06:28:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine who is a life-long Knicks fan remarked of the size of Patrick Ewings nostrils, suggesting that you might be able to drive a small vehicle into one of them.

He quickly rebuked himself, saying it was a racist comment.

I disagreed. It's just an observation. I believe it becomes racist if you use it to deny him opportunities based on that observation.

Like if you deny him employment because of the size of his nostrils.

RACIST EMPLOYER: You seem to have many skills, but we're really looking for someone with smaller nostrils.

That would be wrong.

The Powers of Menopause

2008-01-11T04:27:00.000-08:00

My wife's been reading a lot about menopause lately and, although she's only 33, she has been attributing a lot of her behavior to a possible early onset of the condition.

Why has she been sleeping more lately?

"Could be menopause," she suggests.

Why has her appetite increased?

"Could be menopause," she answers.

I wonder how much else we can blame menopause for.

"Why is our electric bill so high this month?"

"Why won't my computer connect to the internet?"

"Why am I having trouble getting along with my mother?"

OK, well, forget that last one.

(It's a joke, Mom. Love ya!)

Digital Hygeine

2008-01-11T04:25:00.000-08:00

As he approached a pan of brownies yesterday, a coworker of mine said, "I think I'll have one of these, but I really should watch my figure."

What I heard was, "I think I'll have one of these, bit I really should wash my finger."

Cereal Killing

2008-01-10T03:14:00.000-08:00

Could we get a box of cereal that's easy to open?

Sure, commercials, cross-marketing and product placement get the stuff into my house.

The box is a cinch to get into, but after my kids open the bag it looks like it's been attacked by a werewolf.

Trading Dad for Candy

2008-01-06T17:23:00.000-08:00

I like to shoot questions to the family to pass time and to get us to think about our values.

Tonight I asked the kids whether they would trade me away and never see me again if they could have all of the candy in the world.

Their answer?

"What kind of candy?"

Banjos and Trout

2008-01-04T18:24:00.000-08:00

One year ago, my wife bought a banjo and she has been practicing often.

It's hard, 'cause no matter how good she gets, it's still sounds like a banjo.

It reminds me of the difficulties of being a fish.

No matter how much they bathe, they still smell like fish.